Sean Spicer, everyone's favorite Dippin' Dots complainer and occasional White House Press Secretary, spent a portion of today's press conference to make a few things clear: Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad violated international human rights laws by using Sarin gas on his own people, and also Hitler wasn't even that mean (also concentration camps are called "Holocaust centers"?).
This is a wildly wrong statement for....well, countless reasons. He literally says "even Hitler didn't gas his own people," despite "gassing his own people" being pretty much Hitler's main deal. That's what he's most famous for! In case you didn't know this (Hi Sean!), Hitler perpetrated the Holocaust - the purposeful genocide enacted primarily against Jewish people (in addition to homosexuals and various other groups of "unwanted" citizens), and primarily done so with gas. None of this is to excuse the actions of Assad in Syria, but to claim he's worse than Hitler is a pretty big stretch.
So as a reminder: GASSING MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WAS HITLER'S MAIN THING. IT'S WHAT HE WAS ALL ABOUT.
2. George H.W. Bush
Holding 300 civilians against their will is definitely a very bad thing, but it is also definitely not as bad AS THE ACTUAL HOLOCAUST AND WORLD WAR II.
3. The Daily Mirror
Merkel 'worst chancellor in history' as German anti-immigration party soars mirror.co.uk/news/world-new…
As much as you may dislike Angela Merkel or disapprove of her actions as Chancellor of Germany, it's hard to imagine she's done a worse job than Hitler, who WAS LITERALLY ADOLF HITLER, THE GUY BEHIND THE HOLOCAUST AND WORLD WAR II.
Reminder: THIS IS HITLER. HE WAS A PRETTY BAD DUDE. LIKE, PROBABLY THE WORST DUDE OF MODERN TIMES, IF NOT ALL-TIME. HE GASSED MILLIONS. HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TENS OF MILLIONS OF DEATHS. HE ALSO HAD NASTY FARTS AND SUCKED AT PRANKS. PLEASE KEEP THESE THINGS IN MIND WHEN MAKING COMPARISONS.
1.. What the fuck are YOU gonna do in Braunau am Inn, Austria?
That's where you'll find Baby Hitler - do you speak German? Do you know how to say "where is baby Adolf Hitler?" in German? Do you know the local customs of that place and time period? Do you have any clothing that won't look wildly out of place? The point is, murdering Hitler isn't all fun 'n games ('n infanticide) - there's a LOT of homework you gotta do first.
2. How are you gonna get alone time with a stranger's baby?
Hell, even if you DO manage to blend in mildly with late 19th century Austrians, what kind of answer are you expecting from Hitler's parents? Go up to a stranger right now and ask them if you can see their baby. Odds are they will NOT let you - a complete stranger - see their baby (let alone be in a position to MURDER IT), but they'll probably call the cops on you for being a creepy weirdo who seems way too interested in trying to be alone with a specific baby.
3. How're you gonna murder that baby, tough guy?
Oh yeah, it sounds all noble and simple to say you'll kill baby Hitler. But then - assuming you're actually able to get yourself in a position where you can actually do it - you realize you're just killing A BABY. A harmless, cute lil baby, who still has all the potential in the world to do or be anything. Are you gonna strangle a baby? Shoot a baby? Drown a baby? Are you gonna look that baby in the eyes and CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF IT?
Ever had to finish off a mouse in a mouse trap? It's horrifying. Now multiply that feeling by, let's say, TWO.
Suddenly, you're just some guy who murdered a fucking innocent baby. Say what you will about Adolf Hitler, but he didn't go around personally drowning babies.
4. Yo, you have time travel - maybe you could just change things enough so that Baby Hitler doesn't grow up to be Genocidal Dictator Hitler?
Assuming you fold like a cowardly bitch upon the realization that you're about to strangle a 6 month old in its crib (AS YOU SHOULD, YOU FUCKING MONSTER), think about this - murder isn't really the only option here! YOU CAN TIME TRAVEL. YOU HAVE THE STEALTH SKILLS TO GET IN A ROOM ALONE WITH A BABY. All you need to do is adjust Baby Hitler's life enough that he does something else instead of murdering millions of people and starting the largest war in history.
Like, just sneak into the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna and move his application into the 'Accepted' pile. That's it. He applied there twice and was rejected each time, despite obviously having some talent and passion for painting. That way we'll get Mediocre Artist Hitler, which is a hell of a lot better than Evil Comic Book Villain Hitler.
Plus, you don't have to personally murder a baby! Win-win.
5. Welp, now you've kinda established yourself as THE GUY who deals with genocidal dictators.
Here's the thing - Hitler's not the ONLY brutal murderous dictator in history. You've also got Josef Stalin, Mao Zedong, Kim Il-Sung, Pol Pot, Hideki Tojo, and countless other authoritarian monsters to deal with. You can't JUST take out Hitler - you've established yourself as the guy who takes care of this kinda thing, so NOW you've got to either murder A WHOLE BUNCH of babies, or find ways to get all of these dictators into art school as teens (or whatever other non-murderous hobbies they had).
And worse, because you're fucking with the timestream, ENTIRELY NEW evil dictators are going to rise up and fill the voids left when you got Stalin into Med School and Pol Pot into Sherlock Holmes fanfiction. Basically, you're stuck on an endless quest to permanently distract dictators in their teenage years, or murder an endless stream of babies.
You coulda just stayed home and watched Netflix, but you just haaaaaaaaaad to be a time travel hero, didn'tcha?
6. If time travel is readily available to the point where some nobody like YOU has access to it, guess what? Some Nazi supporters are ALSO going to go back in time to PROTECT Baby Hitler.
Hope you're skilled in combat, because you're going to have a bunch of neo-Nazi assholes to contend with if you wanna get EVEN CLOSE to Baby Hitler. Hell, they'll probably grab Baby Hitler and hide him somewhere in the timestream where you'd never think to look for him - and they'd bring a bunch of technology from the future to make Hitler even MORE powerful and evil.
The point being, maybe don't treat the idea of combining time travel, Hitler, and baby murder so casually.
6 Things About Hitler That Prove He Was History's Lamest Monster
1. Hitler was constantly farting.
Hitler reportedly had "uncontrollable flatulence" - the cause of which is still unknown, but he and his doctors suspected it may have been the result of his vegetarian diet. How many people do you think referred to him as "Der Farter" instead of "Der Fuhrer" or whatever in the bunker? Probably a lot.
2. He pulled a lot of shitty pranks.
Surprise, surprise - Hitler was bad at winning wars, bad growing full mustaches, and downright terrible at pranks. In the right hands, pranks can be fun and lighthearted - but pranks are the goddamn worst thing with people who don't know what they're doing. Like, imagine Michael Scott trying to pull a prank - it would go badly and he'd either injure or deeply insult someone and it would be awkward and Jim would make that face and we'd all be like "man, remember when this show used to be good?"
Anyways, Hitler was EVEN WORSE at pranks than that - Ernst Hanfstaengl was a high-ranking officer in Germany during World War II who had gotten on Hitler's bad side by making some snide comments about the Spanish Civil War. So Hitler put him on a plane and told him he'd be getting dropped into the WRONG side of the Spanish Civil War (aka the side Germany was fighting against), which basically meant certain death.
After a while, the plane's pilot feigned a malfunction and made an emergency landing...at the Leipzig Airport in Germany. Because the plane was never flying towards Spain to begin with - it was circling Germany the entire flight, but Hitler thought it would be hilarious to make Hanfstaengl think he was being sent on a suicide mission! Oh well, shitty prank, but no real harm done.
Except Hanfstaengl defected to the Allies soon after, and gave them a ton of top secret info he was privy to.
3. Hitler was basically always on some kind of drug.
Hitler was basically a less lovable version of Jesse from Breaking Bad - he used cocaine (for sinuses), meth, and even had bull semen injected into him (thinking it would increase his libido).
Many of Hitler's drugs were provided his personal medical physician, Theodor Morell - a man who had been dismissed by many other high-ranking Nazis as a complete quack. And for good reason! To help Hitler with his morning grogginess, he injected him with a solution comprised of water and meth. Finally, the connection between Hitler and Breaking Bad we were all waiting for.
4. Hitler couldn't handle scenes of violence against animals in movies.
It's pretty well known Hitler was a vegetarian in his adult life (with possibly a few exceptions) - and not for health reasons either (necessarily). It seemed that Hitler felt eating meat was morally wrong, and that the slaughter of animals for food was cruel and disgusting. It's weird where moral lines get drawn, huh?
Anyways, Hitler hated the thought of animals coming to harm so much that when he was watching movies, he would close his eyes or turn away if there were ever a scene depicting violence against animals, and wait for someone to tell him when the scene had ended.
I mean - it's nice that Hitler didn't wanna hurt animals, but what a huge baby. It's a movie, dude! You're responsible for one of the most gruesome genocides ever and the largest war in history, you should be able to handle this stuff.
5. Hitler never got married because he was convinced he was super hot.
Well, to be fair, Hitler and Eva Braun WERE married, about a day or two before they committed suicide as part of the least romantic honeymoon in history. But prior to that, Hitler had been in a romantic relationship with Braun for over a decade - but refused to wed her, or even be seen in public with her, as he felt he would be a more attractive leader to the women of Germany if he remained single.
Sorry to break it to you several decades later, Hitler, but balding guys with dorky mustaches who inject bull cum into themselves are gonna be pretty unattractive all the time, married or not.
6. Hitler was a mediocre painter.
To be fair to Hitler (something no one needs to be, btw), he wasn't terrible at painting - he made some very nice landscapes and did some pretty solid architecture, but everything was markedly plain. But the real knock against his painting skills was that he couldn't paint people.
Most of the time, Hitler would just leave people out of the scenes entirely - and the few times he DID include people, they were basically featureless lumps with no definition to them. His painting skills were so mediocre, that he was rejected from the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna TWICE.
So the next time you think about Hitler, remember that he was a farting, drug-addled, self-obsessed, scaredy-cat shitty painter who sucked at pranks.
No comments:
Post a Comment